long time no see?

it's been a while folks. i know i haven't been around. i hope life's treating you well, mine's been pretty insane in the halls of the hospital. you can find my latest rantings in hell on earth.

i hope VT is healing with their return to classes tomorrow. good luck to all out there who sport the maroon and orange. make virginia proud. (um the state, not UVA, duh!)

4.16.07 - today we are all hokies.

*hokie loud. hokie proud.*
-FG

ttfn.

Wouldn't That Be Sweet?

Damn you Gwen Stefani! I want to hate this song sooooo much, but the damn thing keeps going through my head and I just can't hate you! I don't understand why this sounds like bubble gum pop though and I don't understand why in the hell you decided to use that song from "The Sound of Music" in your first video off your latest album, but I guess that's why you're a big star with all the fame and glory and I am still a surgical intern.

Yes I realize I'm talking as if I *know* her. I am quite aware that I don't. But wouldn't that be sweet?! LOL!

So today was the ABSITE exam. The American Board of Surgery In Training Examination. I think I did okay. I refuse to look up any answers b/c it'll just freak me out. I have to say though studying was a good experience and I think I'm going to start some hard core reading from now on after work. I have discovered the joys of Barnes and Nobles and succumbed to the evils (and I do mean evils) of Starbucks coffee. It sucks when there are few other options, y'know? But c'est la vie. Y'know what? I totally need a laptop, then I might actually blog more. Or something.

Life is getting better on a very slow basis, but day by day and minute by minute it sucks less and less. So yay! Anyways, that's all for right now, I need some sleep tonight before the ED consults me with some bullshit as usual. That wouldn't be sweet.

Here's some lyrics for y'all to enjoy:

"Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo

If I could escape
I would, but first of all let me say
I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refridgerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

If I could escape
And re-create a place as my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, Now wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape

(I wanna get away, to our sweet escape)

You let me down
I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out
I need to get me out of this joint
Come on, let's bounce
Counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around let's look for some common ground

So baby, times getting a little crazy
I've been getting a little lazy
Waiting for you to come save me
I can see that you're angry
[ these lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]










By the way the you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me
Want to take you with me

If I could escape
And re-create a place as my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape

Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo
Whohoe, whihoo

If I could escape

Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refridgerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

If I could escape
And re-create a place in my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape "

-"The Sweet Escape" by Gwen Stefani ft. Akon

*smack that!* - FG

TTFN. :)

Two to the Double Oh to the Six

Yes, I am that ghetto folks. Get used to it. Love me or leave me, that's all I can say.

Omg, so the new Incubus album? Totally rocks. The new JT album? Sorta rocks. But he's hot so it's ok.

Defrag-ed my machine and it's running faster, so that's a yay for today!

ABSITE (American Board of Surgery In Service Training Exam) on Jan 29! Eep!

Finally on vacation after 1.25 months of no days off. Um hello can we say illegal per the ACGME? Oh well, it's not like my superiors care. They fake caring.

Anyways... so updated to the new blogger interface, well that's certainly exciting no?

Last Day of 2006. You know what, they totally should've come out with the Bond movie next year b/c it's all like 2007 and stuff. Whoa, I am so prolific no?

I have to have something to talk about other than work no? All work and no play makes FG a dull girl.

Apparently rumor around the hospital is that I'm a nice and sweet surgeon. Pfft! Lies I tell you! Actually I don't know if these are really rumors going around. Someone just said she heard of me and heard I was nice. Well, that's kind of cool.

Belated Eid Mubarak to all btw!

OMG I have a total shopping ADDICTION. Bought all these clothes for my bday (which I was on call for anyways... boo!) and then a week later NY&Co had a 50% off sale. How insanely unfair I tell you! UNFAIR! But I wonder if you could use coupons w/ that sale, so who knows if that would've worked. Sigh... I love clothes. And I love shopping. OMG I LOVE SHOPPING!

Lately my heel on my right foot has been hurting so that sucks. I've been wearing sneakers and that's not making a superb difference.

Okay New Year's Resolution to go on a diet, or at least to eat healthy. No more sodas, no more fried stuff, more salads and fruits, and at least attempting to exercise even if it is something as simple as yoga. The food thing I at least have to do. I'm beginning to feel superbly unhealthy. It just sucks that I never have time to eat a real and normal and healthy meal.

You know what irks me? The fact that I mumble and I can no longer express myself well. I find myself stuttering a lot and stumbling over words. I think I just need to think more before I speak, but I don't know.

Btw, surgical attendings are assholes. There is no way around this. Well most of them. I know I'll be one when I grow up, but at least I'll be honest and I'm not afraid of telling people things to their faces.

But honestly general surgery is a lot better. And I only have 6 more months of intern year to go. Wow. Phew... and as for those nasty getting rid of categorical rumors because they can and they like to and just because... well I just got it out of my head. I'm doing a decent job with the resources that I got. I'm not the best doctor on earth and I'm not the worst. And I'm working hard to improve and be better. But the main thing is that my patients like me and know I'm there for them because that's how I know to be ... real. Or something like that.

Anyways... I am me. And the new Incubus album REALLY rocks. Esp song 5, "Love Hurts." Thanks guys for another good rock album.

That's all for now. Happy 2006, happy year I became a doctor, happy year I realized it's ok to be independent, happy first home owning year, and happy remembering who I finally am at the end of the year just because of a pair of red sneakers kind of year (yeah don't ask). Peace out folks. See you in the New Year at some point in time.

*love to all* - FG

TTFN. :)

Moving On

Finally done with a 5 month stint on Trauma Surgery with some bitchy, catty (male) attendings -- but that's all surgeons. I'm so exhausted but so glad it's over! Yay! Took a nap today to celebrate and watched TV. :) But need to start studying hardcore for the ABSITE (Jan 29).

I turn 26 in 1 week. Of course it doesn't help that I'm on call 12/8 and 12/10, but eh who's counting. Whatever. Passing the quarter century mark just doesn't seem so exciting anymore.

Spent some time e-shopping with Enjaborg online for cocktail party dresses. Ahhh fashion, the highlight of my day. And yesterday I bought a kickass cool fedora.

That's all for now. Starting Gen Surg tomorrow! Yay! The year is almost half over.

Also bought the new JT album. Not as good as the first, but not that bad either.

*free at last (sort of)* - FG

TTFN! :P

Confidence

Sigh... more stupid evals from more attendings... and it's like hello you could evaluate me to my face, but nooo... you don't have the cajones. Anyways, so apparently I need to work on being more confident.

*rolls eyes*

Okay so you want me to have bravado, be arrogant, and be "more confident" and then kill people? Is that what you want?

I double-check on some of the harder things that I need to do with patients, but I mean I get by okay on call nights. I'm not a freakin' Mensa member... but seriously? I think I'm the "George" of the interns. I don't fit in quite right and I'm ... well I'm the George. That's what I've decided. But I need to become the Christina, and not the Alex.

I know what my problem is. I looked up building confidence online, and it gave 3 critical areas that would cause a lack of confidence: a) lack of information, b) lack of preparedness, or c) the need to discuss your ideas with someone who has more experience than you. My problem is a lack of knowledge. I don't read enough and I know it, but I'm so exhausted when I get home... yeah yeah yeah old arguement. At least writing makes me feel better and I get all this pent up rage out of my system.

I need to be robotic, anamatronic, and just not myself at work, and that makes me mad. I have to change who I am in order to just get by. I can't be funny or quirky or just me. I'm extremely stubborn, no? So whatever, fine, I'll play your little fucking game. I'll be serious, I won't smile, I'll be the perfect resident, without being a bitch. I will have no personality or at least I won't share it with my team members (I'm so passive aggressive, haha!) but with my patients.

And I've found a solution to the whole reading thing ... which I hope I can maintain, considering I just dropped $600 on ABSITE question books at a shmancy bookstore in the Big City near Home City. I don't really want to drive up to the undergrad campus library, but I may have no choice. I can't figure out where the stupid medical campus library is, and even if I did I don't think I can park there because parking on our campus is horrendous and the land is so soft you can't build parking decks. And I thought my med school was bad! At least they didn't have crappy resident parking. But turns out the public library looks like a nice place to study. I just have to get myself together enough and have enough energy to go there after work and study. I know I was worried about the whole social aspect of stuff but fuck that, I think I need to deal with more important matters right now. I need to stay awake enough to study somehow... I don't know how I will manage though! If I drink caffeine after 2 or 3 pm in the day I don't go to bed (which is why I use it on call). Maybe hot chocolate, since it has less caffeine? Most likely I'm not going to have enough energy to get dinner and go to the library after work and I probably won't have enough time. But on some days if I do then I should. And I need to take advantage of my post call days and my days off.

The issue with residency is that they throw you in a pool and expect you to swim. I don't want to be babied, but I'd like the truth to my face if you're going to evaluate me and it's such a big issue. Sigh... my program director does have the guts to criticize me to my face, which I appreciate. I don't know if you have to "study" in other fields. I mean it's not like the basic principles of engineering or physics change on a daily basis (I'm not talking particle physics here, btw). I mean F = ma *always* and forever, until Harvard decides to disprove that too since they put out studies like every 5 minutes. But y'know what I mean? It's static, and medicine is not and that's why it's hard and I hate it and it sucks and wah wah wah wah wah!

I'm being melodramatic here by the way. I mean I'm not the worst intern ever (even though I constantly feel that way). Again, why the fuck did I go in to surgery? Or really why the fuck did I go in to medicine? Why couldn't I have been smart and done anesthesia or radiology? (The NPC specialities!)

Sigh... btw Eid is Monday. And of course I'm on call. Not like I can change it. I've found that some of my co-workers and attendings like to make very insensitive jokes, ie about 9-11 or about terror and all that stuff, and it's so offensive and I'm standing right there. I can't do anything about it because if I say anything I think I'll be hauled off to prison in G. Bay just for having an opinion. It sucks being me some days, culturally and religiously. And I also think part of the burden I have to bear at work is because of who I am. I'm in the south where minorities are already treated differently, and plus I really think that part of it is because I am an outspoken desi (brown Asian) female. We're supposed to be quiet and blah blah blah, but I'm not. I'm just grasping at straws here aren't I? The real issue is me and how much I suck, right?

I just can't let it get to me even though it already has and I already think I suck and I'm the worst resident ever and I'll never get better so why bother trying because I've given up caring and that's that. Harumph! *folds arms and looks mad* (but in a cute way) At least I'm stylish. Lol. I need to get all that negative energy out of my head.

And I need to find the confident person I used to be and resurrect her because at least she had some panache or moxie. I've got... nothing.

(The other thing I learned about confidence today is that we often get so good at looking at our flaws and weaknesses that we don't even bother to remember we have any strengths. Yeah, I'm pointing at myself right now, too.)

"I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)"

-"Animal I Have Become" by Three Days Grace

Vacation's almost over, 1 day left! Then back to the Pit of Despair.

*oh the drama!* - FG

PS - I'm not incompetent, in case that's what my blog makes you think. I can take care of people in the ICU and trauma bullshit, I mean I know what I'm doing I just need to exhude confidence and all that bullshit to put up happy faces for the outside world. Damn motherfuckers!!!

TTFN.

A Change Will Do You...

Good?

Pfftttt... I beg to differ. Anyways, so what provokes my latest diatribe? Evaluations. I hate evaluations but I get them from my attendings, and you know what I really should just ignore them. But I can't. We have to click a box verifying we read them. I look at the comments, which tend to be the worst parts. Oh well... I hate evaluations.

Seems like I'm doing an okay job, and you know what, yeah I admit it, I'm doing a mediocre job because everything feels like I am constantly playing catchup. (Don't get me wrong, I'm not being mediocre in treating patients!) I just feel like I'm constantly running ... ever seen "Anastasia"? (the cartoon) So the scene in the beginning when the train is leaving and Anastasia is reaching out trying to grab her Grandmother's hand as the train leaps forward and she's running on the tracks? Yeah that's how I feel. Except without the grandmother and I'm not on train tracks and I'm not 8 and I'm not heir to the Russian throne. Yeah, otherwise exactly like that.

It's frustrating because a lot of who I am is humor. I use humor to get through my life because it's a bigass coping mechanism and a really big shield from the outside world. It's the last shred of who I feel I am, and yet that's got to be beaten out of me at work, y'know? Sigh... so lame. And I don't make inappropriate jokes. I look at my fellow residents and the attendings and upper levels and people are pretty darn offensive -- making fun of the mentally retarded, of the obese, and of who knows who else. And this is okay for them to do because they've "paid their dues." *rolls eyes* Fine, fine, fine... just beat every shred of humor (I try not to be offensive) out of me. It's just so hard for me to be serious all the time. I just need to learn how. I guess when I want to say something funny or try to contribute to a conversation, I need to just pack in away in my head and then write it down for later... either for blogging or maybe I should write a book about the misery of being a resident. Not just a surgical resident, but a resident. Okay maybe a surgical resident.

I hate the fact that I feel invisible most days. It's like if you're going to have a conversation, include everyone. That's where I get in to trouble; I try to contribute, but nothing I say is useful I suppose. (I may be overexaggerating here, I am a bit melodramatic afterall.) But fine, if you want me to be serious and just show no other sense of human emotion (well except for compassion), then I guess I have to force myself to do that. I try to force myself every time I get my "resolve face" put on (note inherent BTVS reference) but man oh man oh man is it ever hard! How can I stifle me?

And see it wouldn't be so bad if I had an outlet outside of work. But I have few friends in the hick town where I live. And I feel like most of the people in my program and I just have weird social interactions. They don't know what to say, I don't know what to say, we all just don't know what to say. Something doesn't click. And maybe I don't let it click on purpose because I'm so used to being alone that the mere thought of letting anyone back in to my world to hurt me once again is just so overwhelming that it ends up driving everything subconciously. Or I could be putting way too much thought in to this and I just don't click with certain people because I don't engage in any of their same activities (read that as drinking, not wearing underwear with jeans, and working out wearing skimpy clothing) and maybe that leads me to look upon them with disdain and assume that I'd never want to engage in conversation with them. It doesn't help when people automatically ostracize you from the start. Maybe it is me and my big mouth? Sigh.

I could make a difference and try to be more social but I'm always exhausted. (Oh do we feel a familar argument coming on here? Yes.) The other thing is I've got a major exam coming up in January (the ABSITE) and I should be using all my free time to study for that. I have found some interesting restaurants and coffee shops and an art gallery in my town ... things I would like to see when I have a chance. And the local college puts on plays, but going to plays alone just seems so boring, no? Yeah... I should do something though before I go insane. And I should study more.

I don't know if I blogged this before my paternal unit brought up a great point. I worried so much about social crap at the beginning of med school that I got distracted from studying and being smart and just being the real (nerdy) me. I regretted it so much at the end of med school when I realized I could've gotten better grades and been so much smarter (um, yeah, if I was suddenly amazing at taking multiple choice tests, darn you choices! I choose G!) and maybe I would've matched at an Ivy League program or something. (I would've been more miserable there I assume because those programs drive their residents in to the ground and treat them like dirt... or so I've heard. And a lot of times it's about the research dollars at big institutions, not about resident education.) So yeah, I need to just stop whining about social stuff. I brought it up because I figured that was the only way I could retain any part of my personality, considering I feel the pressure to modify who I am for oh ... how about a good 80 hours a week? I can't wait till my trauma rotation is over though, seriously.

So I'm at an impass. The only thing I know I need to do is study my bootie off. Turns out all my evals say I have a good fund of clinical knowledge (which I find humorous because I don't have very much time to read with being exhausted and all). So at least that's something. I just need to hone my skills, become more serious, be a robot or an adult or something, and not be so flabbergasted or flustered at times. It's all something that will come with being more efficient as well... and yeah that takes time.

On the upside, I've narrowed down what I want to do in life: peds, surg onc, plastics, or breast. General surg purely as a backup. But that's what on the table for now. I just need to rock that exam, stop caring about what other people think and stop letting affect me, and be the true renegade that I am... (hahaha yeah right), but just not at work.

*can I buy some confidence?* - FG

PS - Happy 23rd bday to Mya, the craziest sister EVER! :) *big hugs*

TTFN. :P

Maybe The Glass Isn't Half Empty...

Y'know how there's that saying about the glass being half full or half empty (and the corollary that engineers think the glass is twice as big as it needs to be)? So I've been sitting here going "woe is me, woe is me" for the past few months (when I have a chance to stop and think and even breathe)... and I'm on the web scoping around all the surgery residency programs from other places that I interviewed, and suddenly I'm like hmm... at least that's not me.

There's a couple places that matches FMGs including those from the Carribean, and I have to think, y'know I graduated from an American medical school and look at those guys, so lucky to have a prelim spot even. And I look at my fellow interns as well and out of those who has to apply again. I hope in the name of all that is holy that my program won't secretly act pyramidal and keep prelims instead of categoricals... oh well... it's illegal but it's been known to happen, right?

So I'm on vacation this week and it feels so good. Of course I need to study more and I need to come up with a concrete strategy for time management in my life... that'll make things better. But that's not on my mind right now.

And it turns out that my town may have something relatively interesting to do. At least cost of living is good. I scoped around other places, for example a few places up north, including Stony Brook on Long Island (hella-spensive!) where they have a salary only about $1000 more than me. And that's a hella-spensive place to live. And then I looked at a place called Inova Fairfax, where they offer probably only $1000 to $1500 more than my current program. So yeah... it could be a lot worse.

I just need to study harder. The thing about making friends is always going to be a sore spot in my life. I've kind of been a loner for a while, whether by choice or by unfortunate coincidence or mishap or whatever, but that's me. Granted I've got a couple of really good friends in different parts of the country, so that's different. I do have poeple I rely on and call and they help me through the bad times. I just don't ever have people to hang out with. But most days I'm so exhausted I just don't want company. It's a double-edged sword. I'm happiest shopping alone, I'm happiest just being alone at the end of a long day. The problem comes in that there may be fun things to do in my town late at night but being a single girl, and a single Asian girl at that, and a single brown Asian girl at that, I let myself get scared of the world and of being places alone. I don't know if its being safe or just giving in to the world. Who knows. And I hate being left out of stuff... that's the other part of not having close friends in town that bites. But when you don't drink and most of the cool people are married there's very little to do in a small town in the south. Sucks don't it? Yeah.

It'd be nice to be hitched for that reason... to have someone to come home to and to rely on and to do stuff with and just help me destress... but that seems to be so many years off. My family is trying to do the exploring for potential suitors thing, but mainly because other people keep pushing people up on them and basically making it seem like I have to get married because other people say so. I wish people would say out of my life because it would lead to a whole lot less headache and a whole lot less heartache (yes, heartache... or well maybe just a bruised pride, I'm pretty dammit, even if some boy is too vapid and shallow to see that... anyways... I won't rant about that when I don't even know the whole story).

But okay so maybe the grass isn't that much greener elsewhere? Bottom line is, I know me better than anyone else and the truth is I'd be freakin' miserable *regardless* of where I ended up for residency and regardless of where I went to medical school or college. Even if I had what I consider to be a cooler life I wouldn't be me, would I? And even if I did have all that, I'm pretty damn sure I'd find something to bitch about regardless. That's just the nature of me.

I just don't want to learn to live with it... yet.

*it's gettin' hot in herrre...* -Fashiongrrl

TTFN. :P

Purple Haze

Galang galang galang!

Okay so today was a bear of a day... pretty exhausted, ended up doing a central venous line w/ a complication of a tension pneumothorax. Not so good. Patient's really old, and hypotensive, and just not in good condition anyways. But my seniors were really nice to me today and I got to go to the OR, even though it really wasn't for anything but a vac change for a wound. However, I did dictate the case and I think I did well. I'm better at stuff than I used to be. So that's something. And last night I actually studied for a bit... which I will do again now.

I've got to admit I was feeling down about something earlier (crazy girls in my program being all psycho and leaving me out of stuff, which is so not cool but whatever). After a convo w/ the 'rents (of all people right?) I feel better. I guess I'm just more considerate of others than others are of me, and that's just lame. I think my friends are the same way though, so I gravitate toward similar people. It's just shallow insanity in this town.

Got off at almost 8 pm today. Dang! ("Big Nate" the comic strip anyone?). Watched parts of "Grey's Anatomy" even though I still have last week's epi on tape to watch, and the second half of "the Skulls" movie and not to mention the copy of "Girl, Interrupted" that I picked up a while ago as well and still haven't had a chance to watch. Boo!

What else interesting is going on? Hmmm... nothing really. But the 2 CVL's, the chest tube, and the wound vac change consumed enough of my day. Good enough. I'm tired and I should head off to bed.

Did I mention I sheared off a whole bunch of my hair? Went to get it cut, but really only wanted it trimmed b/c I wanted to keep it long, but it was turning in to a stringy mess, so I asked the lady to give me long layers, but my hair ended up getting to be pretty short with a whole bunch of wild and cool layers. Oh wait, maybe I did mention this? I dunno, and I'm too lazy to look it up. It looks like Jessica Alba's hair from "Idle Hands" or Monica's hair from the early days of "Friends" when she had it short and would pin it to the side. Bottom line, it's wicked cool and so different from anything I've ever had before... well I might've had a similar but not quite cut 1x in high school but I don't remember. I'm lucky I remember how to get home most days, eh? Exhaustion!!!

Oh by the second line I put in, I figured out what I was doing wrong and did it right that time, but that doesn't make the fact that I have to present it as a complication at Morbidity and Mortality conference any better. Boo! Oh well...

Yeah, boy in question... still no response. And y'know what? I'm no one's lapdog. I'm a strong independent woman. If the world isn't working out to my favor then screw everyone! (Yeah that's the Ramadan spirit eh? Note the obvious sarcasm.) Life is life, and I am me... and that's that. Bottom line. Take it or leave it.

Mi padre put it in to perspective when he reminded me that during the first year of med school I was caught up in social bullshit and was worried about who liked who and what I wasn't invited to and worried more about it than studying and realized in the 4th year of med school what a terribly grevious error I had made and I should've just stuck to my independent streak and said fuck off world you can't handle me bitches! (Um, not that my fellow residents are bitches that is. They can however be bitchy at times.) So yeah, there's my mantra. I hope I stick to it, eh? Yeah that's my fucking mantra.

*and even when your hope is gone, move along* - Fashiongrrl

TTFN. :)

Web Therapy

Hi world! Oh my goodness, how long's it been since I've blogged? Way, way, way too long. I've been buried up to my elbows and ears in work, and I can't even lie and say I'm happy. I'm just freakin' exhausted. (Ramadan Mubarak btw.) Seriously exhausted.

So what's the update on my life and what am I going to vent about today? Hmm... let's see, so many things. So the girls in my program like to hang out together and yeah of course I don't get invited, but I think the underlying reason is b/c I don't drink and don't choose to hang around people who drink b/c I find it rather uncomfortable. Oh well, whatever! I'm not friends w/ them, but I didn't come here to make friends or drinking buddies, I came here to work and do well at my job. Too bad the whole Emergency Dept gang seems cooler than the Surg gang at times, most likely b/c the Surg gang is just so damn tired all the time and cranky, just like me.

I'm a total wreck about my personal time. I like to spend it alone however all I do is go home and sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. Nothing else. It's ridiculous, I don't even study b/c I am just so tired all the time.

On my days off I shop like a menace. I think I've bought enough stuff from NY&Co to buy New York and Company stock next! There's nothing else to do in this one-movie-theatre boring town. No highways... sigh, I miss the road and the thrill of a good 2 hour drive like you have no idea.

Boys? Okay so let's bitch about boys for a while because we can, right? So first I had a mini-crush on one of my co-residents, but turns out he's not that interesting b/c he's looking for casual hookups and yeah like that's me? I don't think so. Plus he's dating this respiratory therapist (who's kind of plain to tell the truth) but if that makes him happy that's all good, or maybe they just kind of hooked up. Okay so that's boy issue #1.

Boy issue #2? Oh my goodness, how old am I? Yeah 25. And what kinds of freaks are coming my way? Well see it's time for me to eventually think about getting married and all that jazz right? Yeah? Yeah. I can't stop it, family friends keep going nuts about it and sending people my 'rents way going "oh vee haf a son in this wery far avay state and he is a doktor and he is looking for a doktor vife." (Okay that's a gross exaggeration of the desi accent, but it's still called for.) So stop freakin' "introducing" people to my family who live OVER 300 MILES AWAY FROM ME. Trust me, long distance relationships are pretty damn hard and they don't tend to last. The way my life is going I'm going to need someone to rely on (once I allow myself to) to just chill and have that release with. But ha, like I'm going to get that here in this crazy freakin' town. (It's not so bad, but it's not so great either.)

Anyways... so what's the other crazy issue? Yeah so there might've been a guy but whatever he's not worth the energy and yet why does it still bug me that he hasn't called me back (maybe because I'm a loon and don't realize that he's a resident like me and really tired... but whatever). Anyways... it's just this stupid ass lame thing that I should learn to get over but it still bothers me. I mean... sigh... this is lame, I can't even begin to talk about how lame it is. Whatever!

So that's my life in a nutshell. I don't have time to respond to people's emails, I don't clean my house, I don't call people back really, I'm miserably tired, I never study, and I'm just losing my damn mind every moment of every damn freakin' day. Yeah, that's about it. As they say in a Grimm's Brother's fairy tale, "I'm good for nothing but having boots thrown at my head." Don't ask... don't even ask...

At least I got a chance to catch up with my favoritist bud Soccer Man last night, for which I was eternally grateful. I heart him muchly. Good friends are few and far between these days and I'm grateful for the ones who stick beside me always.

*exhausted* - Fashiongrrl :|

TTFN.

I Write Sins

Not Tragedies...

:)

Great music that I've been listening to so far. One of these days I will crack down and buy myself an ipod. For now I still need to get an expansion card for my Treo so I can carry tunes on it.

Recent good songs:

"Mama's Room" - Under the Influence of Giants
"Dani California" and "Tell Me Baby" - Red Hot Chili Peppers
"I Write Sins, Not Tragedies" - Panic! At the Disco
"Here It Goes Again" - OK Go

Anyways... things moving along at work. Ran a bunch of traumas today... we had like 5 come in at once from a motor vehicle collision. Big for us all at once at my hospital. We get lots of traumas, but we're not a big city so they often come from far away and separated over time, not just in huge droves. Good times. Lots of energy. Unfortunately there were 2 deaths at the scene. :(

So that's my quick update. I also watched "the Skulls" today -- or actually watched half of it and then fell asleep in my bed... again with my FREAKING CONTACTS STILL IN and finally woke up to the 3rd phone call from home (I thought the phone was ringing in my dreams) and luckily took them out. My big problems these days? Eyes, acne, lack of exercise, and all that jazz. I hate what stress does to my body (ie, stress eating, actually bored eating too...) Sigh... life.

Y'know the only reason I would like to be in a relationship? So I have someone around to tell me to go to bed and then crawl in to bed with me. Just for that. It'd be nice to not roll over to surgical texts on the other side of my bed everyday. Oh well... c'est la vie.

"California, rest in peace
Simultaneous release
California, show your teeth
She's your priestess
I'm her priest"

-from "Dani California" by RHCP

And oh oh oh JT album #2 out this Tuesday! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

And... a *prayer* for all those we tragically lost 5 years ago. :(

*simultaneous release* - Fashiongrrl

TTFN.